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Article 1 - Article 2 - Article 3 - Article 4 - Article 5 - Article 6 - Article 7


Article 3 - Introducing your partner to BDSM



Our society discourages most kinks, including BDSM. It's tough to be a kinky person in that kind of atmosphere. As a result, many people ignore or deny their inclinations. This works for some but, for most, the need won't allow that to happen indefinitely. At some point, it makes itself known. This can be a problem for people who are in a committed relationship with a vanilla person when it happens. "How can I get my partner interested in BDSM?" is a common question in BDSM discussion venues. I don't have the ultimate answer but I do have suggestions.

First, though, you have to know and accept that BDSM is a need or a want, not a flaw. About 10% of the population have this need. It's not something you can help, that can be fixed (and it doesn't need fixing - even the APA now says kink is ok) or that will go away. It's a part of who you are that you want to express. What you're hoping to accomplish is the ideal, having your partner be involved in the expression.

You know, I hope, that BDSM can be loving, respectful and a whole lot of fun. It's not a threat, either to the people involved or to their relationship(s). Your partner may not know this. Sometimes all a basically vanilla person knows about BDSM is what she's seen in the media. What she's seen in the media is pretty scary. It's usually some other vanilla person's notion of what BDSM is, based on stereotype and fantasy. So, she's confronted with images of women in leather corsets and high boots, with a whip and an attitude, doing unspeakable things to groveling victims. Let me tell you, it's the rare vanilla woman who is going to think that's hot. The average woman is going to politely but firmly say, "Yuck."

What the average woman doesn't know is: that's not what you're asking for. Of course, you may not know this yourself, yet. You may have bought into the stereotype and fantasy without giving much thought to how, or if, that plays out in real life. Now is the time to think about it.

Be realistic. Those corsets are damned uncomfortable. And the 5-inch stilettos? Forget about it. Nobody could sustain the clothing for more than a few hours, let alone the attitude. Most BDSM in long term relationships is done for love, often with humor, in comfortable clothes, with someone who is a willing participant. While you may want your partner to don the trappings as often as possible, what you require most is her control. And that's what you need to convey to overcome the yuck factor.

Your partner is probably skittish about the idea of tieing you up and spanking you or determining when you may use the bathroom. She might be more open to determining when and how the two of you will have sex or always having the final say about what movie you see. The idea is to explain BDSM to her as your need for control, not a need to do incredibly freaky things. Tell her you hope she'll eventually be interested in experimenting with other aspects but you're asking her to go only as far as she's comfortable. Keep in mind that, although you're asking her to meet a need of yours, you won't get anywhere unless you focus on her needs and comfort level. You're asking for a big favor here. Show you recognize and acknowledge that by putting her first.

Submissive men are all the time saying they want to "serve" a dominant woman, yet, when push comes to shove, it often turns out what they want to do is be titillated, whether it's any benefit to the dom or not. Here's your chance to show you're not a wannabee. Service to a dominant woman is serving her needs, not yours. It really doesn't matter whether you like the activity or not, the fact that she benefits from it is a submissive's reward. If you can understand and accept this, you can probably enlist your partner's aid in meeting this need. Propose to take over some chore she does but dislikes, weeding the garden, say, or doing the laundry. Then do it. Do it well, do it on time, do it without being reminded and do it without expecting anything in return. This is both non-threatening and beneficial to your partner, in other words, you're showing her that your submission is about her.

If your partner agrees to take control, even in a limited way, and to accept your service, you're ahead of the game. Don't blow it by pushing. Let things move along at her pace. Be open to questions and ready with additional suggestions, should she ask, but don't try to move her farther or faster than she wants to go. And, for god's sake, don't go all gaga about how sexy this is for you. You may do sex because your gonads are exploding; she does it because it's satisfying emotionally as well as physically. The fact that your gonads are exploding is not a selling point. The fact that you love and care about her is.

Although your goal is to have your partner agree to dominate you, sometimes the best you can hope for is that she doesn't run screaming into the night. Ok, slight exaggeration but the reality is some people just aren't able to relate to BDSM. By the time you get to the flat no, I hope you've made a good case for BDSM, because the next best thing to having your partner be your dom is to have her be ok with someone else being your dom. If your partner sees your BDSM relationship as a threat to your relationship with her, that's not going to happen. It's a fine balance. You've just presented the loving and romantic nature that BDSM can have and now you're asking to do that with someone else. You've also stressed that BDSM relationships don't have to include sex. Haven't you? Because, your exploding gonads aside, while many dominant women play with people other than their partners, most reserve sex for their permanent relationships. BDSM can be sensuous and sexy but, bottom line, it's a power thing. Remember that, no matter who winds up being your dominant.



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